by Adrienne Corn
A few weeks ago, I asked a fellow writer if he would be willing to do a guest blog for my business website. We launched into (hilarious) discussions about what to write, expectations, and whether email would still be used when he was 50. I made some comment that assumed he was not yet 50, but definitely older than me. Imagine my awful surprise when it turns out I not only massively misjudged his age—but my own ability to judge age. Turns out he is
5, er, 7 years a lot younger than me. Needless to say, this forced an immediate tweet and post to Facebook in which I chronicle how we will know when we officially have what I have termed The Oldness. Like, when you think people are older than you, but they are actually younger than you. By a lot.
In addition to the term, I have tried to be helpful by providing examples of usage. Such as: “Crap. I have The Oldness.” Use it in sentences the same way you would use, say, Scurvy—although sadly The Oldness is a much more permanent condition.
Since that fateful realization of my condition a few weeks ago, I have also realized that there are other ways to recognize if you have The Oldness. And since I recently saw Jeff Foxworthy live, I thought I would rip a page from his “you know you might be a redneck if…” book and offer this:
Crap, You Might Have The Oldness If:
- You went to Denny’s and they handed you a lunch menu when you were there for dinner. Or if you went to Denny’s.
- You put two spaces after a period when typing.
- Primetime is your Bedtime.
- You still watch an actual TV programs with commercials when they air during primetime.
- Other people hand you readers after you’ve held your arm at selfie-taking distance for 5 minutes in order to read the writing on the package. You don’t know what selfie-taking distance is.
- You considered the iPhone 6+ because your texts would be large enough to read. You have an iPhone.
- You no longer recognize any of the stars in the movies or People magazine. You still read magazines.
- You’re a woman and don’t own a pair of black yoga pants.
- You choose your sports/exercise based on how long it takes you to recover.
- You can’t remember why you ever wanted to hang glide off the Rocky Mountains or strap a GoPro camera to your head while parasailing. You don’t know what a GoPro camera is.
- You still have a home phone.
- You still use an actual clock as an alarm.
- You buy books from a bookstore rather than Amazon.
- Facebook is the extent of what you consider to be social media.
- You still use the pneumatic tubes to deposit checks at the bank.
- You know what a pneumatic tube is.
- You have a whole cabinet/storage bin/shelf of music CD’s or DVD’s…just in case the internet fails.
- You still use airplanes for travel because you don’t trust the transporter machine yet. You don’t know what a transporter machine is.