Crap, I have The Oldness

by Adrienne Corn

A few weeks ago, I asked a fellow writer if he would be willing to do a guest blog for my business website.  We launched into (hilarious) discussions about what to write, expectations, and whether email would still be used when he was 50.  I made some comment that assumed he was not yet 50, but definitely older than me.  Imagine my awful surprise when it turns out I not only massively misjudged his age—but my own ability to judge age.  Turns out he is 5, er, 7 years a lot younger than me.  Needless to say, this forced an immediate tweet and post to Facebook in which I chronicle how we will know when we officially have what I have termed The Oldness.  Like, when you think people are older than you, but they are actually younger than you.  By a lot.

In addition to the term, I have tried to be helpful by providing examples of usage.  Such as:  “Crap. I have The Oldness.”  Use it in sentences the same way you would use, say, Scurvy—although sadly The Oldness is a much more permanent condition.

Since that fateful realization of my condition a few weeks ago, I have also realized that there are other ways to recognize if you have The Oldness.  And since I recently saw Jeff Foxworthy live, I thought I would rip a page from his “you know you might be a redneck if…” book and offer this:

 Crap, You Might Have The Oldness If:

• You went to Denny’s and they handed you a lunch menu when you were there for dinner.  Or if you went to Denny’s.
• You put two spaces after a period when typing.
• Primetime is your Bedtime.
• You still watch an actual TV programs with commercials when they air during primetime.
• Other people hand you readers after you’ve held your arm at selfie-taking distance for 5 minutes in order to read the writing on the package. You don’t know what selfie-taking distance is.
• You considered the iPhone 6+ because your texts would be large enough to read.  You have an iPhone.
• You no longer recognize any of the stars in the movies or People magazine.  You still read magazines.
• You’re a woman and  don’t own a pair of black yoga pants.
• You choose your sports/exercise based on how long it takes you to recover.
• You can’t remember why you ever wanted to hang glide off the Rocky Mountains or strap a GoPro camera to your head while parasailing. You don’t know what a GoPro camera is.
• You still have a home phone.
• You still use an actual clock as an alarm.
• You buy books from a bookstore rather than Amazon.
• Facebook is the extent of what you consider to be social media.
• You still use the pneumatic tubes to deposit checks at the bank.
• You know what a pneumatic tube is.
• You have a whole cabinet/storage bin/shelf of music CD’s or DVD’s…just in case the internet fails.
• You still use airplanes for travel because you don’t trust the transporter machine yet.  You don’t know what a transporter machine is.